Stop Punching the Celery and 49 Other Things You Never Thought You’d Say as a Teacher

Are there days when you think back on the things you’ve said and just have to laugh? I mean, some of the things we say as teachers are phrases that seem so unlikely, so funny, and so random to an outsider, and yet at the time, they made perfect sense!

This post is a sequel to my other post, “Stop Rolling Your Tomatoes on the Floor…” and is full of actual things that real teachers have said, all in the course of a day in the classroom.

  1. You are a human boy, not a chipmunk. (Debbie A.)
  2. How would you like it if someone smooshed down your mohawk? (Cathi R.)
  3. Stop licking the door. (Jon M.)
  4. Please don’t use my Promethean board pin to clean out your belly button. (Connie B.)
  5. Who lost this tooth? (Mallory T.)
  6. No one wants to smell your balls. (new baseballs…Marci K.)
  7. Sit on your zebra and stop talking. (animal rug…Christina P.)
  8. The banana is not a weapon. (Deborah T.)
  9. Keep your tongue to yourself. (Anne M.)
  10. Take the marshmallows out of your socks (Lori M.)
  11. Don’t put that worm in your pocket. (Melissa B.)
  12. No, I don’t know why dog farts are silent. (Stacy T.)
  13. Let’s not meow in class. We don’t have a cat here. (Melissa R.C.)
  14. Please stop screaming with your mouth closed. I can tell it’s you. (Midori M.)
  15. It’s not nice to eat your friend’s grass. (C. Roberts)
  16. Please stop whipping and nae naeing and go back to your seat. (Maggie H.)
  17. Who can show me a way to make 69? (calendar time…Korie M.)
  18. Stop eating your shoelaces. (Erin E.)
  19. No, I don’t want to smell your finger. (Connie B.)
  20. We don’t wipe dead ticks on our desks. (Savannah R.)
  21. Stop laughing. Yes, I said balls. You will know when I’m talking about body parts because I will say testicles. (Christie C.)
  22. Please don’t attack my face with the puppets. (Deborah T.)
  23. Please don’t throw your Earth in the air. (Carrie M.)
  24. We do not rub goose poop on our friends. (Angie W.)
  25. Please don’t lick your nametag. (Donna L.)
  26. His mama didn’t name him Butternuts, so you don’t get to call him Butternuts. (Catrice M.)
  27. We don’t keep dead animals in our locker. It’s not sanitary. (Janell D.)
  28. Keep your hands, feet, and head to yourself. (Sandy F.)
  29. We don’t put our pencils up our noses. (Helen S.)
  30. Please don’t bring a pineapple into the computer lab. (Sarah B.)
  31. Pull your britches up because we don’t chase each other in the bathroom with our pants and everything else down. (Ashley M.)
  32. Please quit drinking from the guinea pig’s water bottle. (Beth K.)
  33. Girls, get off the pole please. (Eleni H.)
  34. We don’t lick the bottom of our shoes. (Jane A.)
  35. Please stop eating yogurt off the floor. (Megan R.)
  36. Who has blue balls? (Norma S.)
  37. Your banana peel is not a lasso. Please put it down. (Christen S.)
  38. Please don’t sleep with him. (trying to share a rest mat…Heather R.)
  39. Stop being a sheep and do your work, please. (Anne M.)
  40. Stop licking my shoe. (Georgia O.)
  41. We do not drink from the urinal. (Leanna J.)
  42. Take the pickles off your eyes. (Rachel R.)
  43. Don’t eat your boogers during class. I can see you. (Jennifer L.)
  44. Please stop stapling your shoes. (Rhonda C.)
  45. Don’t lick the water fountain. (Karissa B.)
  46. The giraffes don’t have laser eyes, nor do they fly. Please keep them on the table. (Deborah T.)
  47. Yes, even fish poop and pee. (Christie C.)
  48. Please stop decorating your water bottle with post its. (Bree K.)
  49. Keep your hair to yourself. (Kristi B.)
    And… Stop punching the celery. (Suzi R.)


If you’d like to comment below and tell us something you’ve actually said, I’d love to hear from you!

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The Teacher Next Door - Creating upper elementary resources that target standards for busy teachers

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